The Curious Case of Krieger's Phone
by loststoriesemptymind
Summary: Krieger is a bit tied up when he is questioned about the contents of his cellular device. Rated T because it's Kreiger.


**Author's Note: Season 5 Spoilers. Oh, and I thought about how Krieger records some really crazy stuff on his phone and I wonder if he will ever get in trouble. I wonder if there's crap from the fourth of Ju-Luau? While I go resist the urge to recreate that, read my story and review it too, if you'd like. I know my authority isn't recognized in your Fort Kickass and that is fine too.**

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Everything was blurry as he woke up, but that wasn't strange and neither were the restraints. When he looked down he realized he was strapped into a chair, his legs and arms were handcuffed to the chair. The usual people were around him, but believe it or not he actually liked being tied up because it stopped his mind from wandering too far.

"Why am I tied up?" Krieger asked, he was in his underwear and t-shirt and he hoped he didn't get a erection, but with all these people around him it was bound to happen sooner or later.

"It is a little matter of your cellular device." Malory Archer held up a small gray cellphone.

"You went through my phone?! That's an invasion of privacy!"

"Everything on that phone is an invasion of privacy!" Malory went directly on his picture folder. "We made slides of your picture files and will play them so you can explain what the hell you were doing with these pictures in the first place."

"Oh." Krieger looked down at his feet. "Can I have a pair of shoes?"

"No! No, Krieger you cannot have a pair of shoes!" Archer yelled as he stepped inside the room. "What the hell were you doing with Katya?"

"She came onto me." Archer lunged at him but Pam stepped in the way and knocked him down. Malory turned off the lights and clicked the small black button.

"First slide, it happens to be you and Cheryl. That is of no consequence to me, but what is consequence to me is why you're doing drugs on my old desk!"

"Malory, you're blowing things out of proportion, you don't even have that desk anymore." Krieger spoke calmly; he wiggled his fingers feeling the tightness of the cuffs.

"Next, it's you and Pam having sex on top of the cocaine!'

"Well she didn't eat any that time, you should be _thanking_ me." Malory felt the urge to bludgeon him to death, but quickly remembered he was Hitler's child. No damage could come to the future Hitler.

"Oh, there's you and Gillette." Malory narrowed her eyes at Ray, he stood in the back of the room admiring the ceiling. "Not only that, but you both set fire to too many important ISIS files."

"It was a very volatile year." Krieger explained and did his best to shrug.

"Volatile? What the hell? We had important contacts in there!" Malory raged on, her drink shaking slightly in her hand.

"What if I could bring you copies of those files?" Krieger asked, he sound surprisingly hopeful.

"You have copies?!" Malory slammed her drink down on the table.

"Well, no, of course not."

"Krieger! This is not a damn joke! This is serious." Lana yelled from the back of the room.

"Relax, don't be too hard on him." Pam rubbed the top of his head gently. "Is your hair always this smooth?"

"Only when I don't have an erection for three and a half hours."

"Don't pet and coddle him! He may be the very reason that the FBI swooped down on us in the first place. There's also pictures of Nikolai and I," Archer gagged a little and averted his eyes, "Images of Pam and Archer and I'm sure that can't be right because you must have edited that picture. There's Lana and Pam, Cyril and Pam. Pam and scatter brain Jane and Pam and Brett. Christ on a cracker, Krieger! Piggly and the North Korean dead hitmen! Even Salvio Mascalzoni and you can see my drapes, if Trudy Beekman knew she would be phoning the co-op board and having me in front of them again quicker than you can say, Hitler." Malory glowered, this time her glass shattered in her hand and she licked the spilled drink from her hand. "As if you having the picture of the atomic ant as your screensaver wasn't enough. I'm surprised the FBI isn't swooping down on us this very second."

"Pfft, you're acting as if I actually have that ability. The FBI would be looking for solid evidence and that would not be in my phone as I could burn it, delete it, wipe the phone and put it back to factory settings. Pam's blog is more applicable to be the reason we were all arrested for treason."

"I know, right. You guys didn't even the read newsletter, either. It was crammed with ISIS shit, and my blog that's a whole 'nother shit factory." Pam cackled as she thought about it, the more she thought she knew that probably was why. The Pope. Nikolai. Barry and the space crap. Katya was a whole different can of worms. Then there was her friend fiction which was less fiction and more of her sexual exploits with her co-workers, all her co-workers. Pam guzzled down the beer and smiled, yes, she was most definitely the reason. If the FBI was following her blog that meant she had a bigger group of followers than she imagined. "Sweet..."

"And she has these neat little predictions every week on what might happen, and I tell you she's spot on. She predicted that the FBI would swoop in sooner or later and that Malory was actually—" Pam covered his hand with her mouth muffling the rest of his words, Krieger tapped his oddly large feet against the floor trying to make sure his feet didn't fall asleep. If his feet fell asleep then he would have a rather prominent erection, not that he minded, but he didn't want to make it awkward for everyone else, mainly Malory Archer. If Malory saw his soldier standing at full attention he knew Archer would burn and then kill everything he loved, even his sexy holographic wife.

"He's right, mother."

"I know Sterling, dear." Malory continued to nurse her drink, "Well, Krieger, since I can't kill you I'll just have to monitor what you put on there."

"I am not a child!" Krieger said once Pam moved her hand, he tried to stomp his foot but failed and winced in pain as the cuffs. "Ow! Shit! You will not go through my things!"

"That is final, Krieger. I mean... if you want to leave this chair alive." Malory stared into his hardened eyes and was afraid he might cry, of course she wouldn't kill him but she would enjoy breaking him... again. He was silent, for a full hour he had hardened eyes and glared at her. It didn't bother her at all, she had faced shoot outs way worse than this and enjoyed when she finally bathed in their blood, figuaratively speaking.

"I'd. Rather. Die." Krieger said through clenched teeth.

"Holy shit." Lana said from the back of the room, she was rubbing her stomach and reading a magazine.

"Leave him alone, dammit. I need that big 'sumbitch to keep training me for my next performance. If this goddamn chip malfunctions in my head I won't be no use to anyone and I'll lose, and I ain't here for losing. So let him go." Cherlene leaned against the doorjamb with a guitar in her hand. "Or I ain't performing..." she threatened.

"You listen to me little Miss Missy..."

"No you listen to me! Let him go! Archer got just as much bad shit on his phone, and if you forgot we ain't the damn government no more so stop it." Archer patted his pockets feeling around for his phone, that reminded him that there was a crap ton of shit he needed to delete. "That damn federal agent got it out for us, and probably has for a while. Just let my training coach and part time boyfriend go!"

"Let him go, mother. When did Cheryl get so good at arguments?" Pam continued to stroke Krieger's hair gently, she was enthralled by the texture and color.

"She didn't. Let him go and give him his phone." One lone tear slid down Krieger's face as he was released and was given his phone. "Get out of my sight."

"Thank you." he whispered before disappearing into a secret tunnel with Cherlene.

"Mrs. Cadillac" Pam said slowly, stroking the chair where Krieger had been restrained.

"Yes, Pam."

"You didn't read my blog yet, have you?"

"Of course not I'm doing this crazy thing called running a cartel, but should I have?"

"No, no of course not. See you later." Then she sprinted down the hallway, come to think of it, Malory hadn't even noticed how Pam posed with Krieger for a photo. Malory cursed before dropping her new drink that Sterling handed her, she couldn't believe she was still shaking.

"Cyril! Can you get rid of her domain?" Malory asked.

"Yeah, but—"

"Good, do that now before she updates this and that blasted agent is back here doing a—"

"Master Archer, there is an officer at the door..." Woodhouse said while holding a bloody mary.

"Detective Holly here, here to do a..." Officer Holly yelled as he entered the main room. "I'm going to assume you were having a bondage sex party." Upstairs they could hear Krieger screaming and Cherlene cackling. "Detective sweep!"

"Of course, Detective, of course." Malory scowled as he continued his bi-weekly search of the house. Thank God they got rid of the cocaine, and they would be getting rid of Woodhouse next if he didn't stop inviting that blasted man in.

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**Another Author's Note: Oh, and Archer came across his phone and outed him. Which is so typical of Archer.**


End file.
